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Monday, August 26th, 2013
1:42 pm - RIP, Zwe...
Zoe died today, August 26, 2013.
She loved Kraft Singles and caring for those who were sick or sad.
She will be sorely missed.
Goodbye, my emerald eyed beauty. I love you with all my heart.
-Sebastian (vorpal)

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Friday, August 8th, 2008
6:17 am - 1... 2... turd in shoe...
Ugh... my owners must think I'm absolutely stupid. They don't think I understand them when they go around talking about how "fat" I am. Now, I may not exactly be skinny, but I prefer to think of myself as shapely, or ample, as it were. However, my mother taught me to be - unlike those crude idiots - a refined and respectable lady, and just ignore the inferior yokels around me when they turn to insults to make themselves feel better about their sad and pathetic existence. As if it wasn't bad enough that they forcefully moved me from the South, where classy lassies like me belong, up to... *shudder* Canada. Now they go around calling me things like, "Tubs", "Thunder Thighs", "Soft Serve" (compliments of their extra-trashy friend joekickass, who will get an extra special surprise in his bag next time he comes over), and the "Corpulent Calico" (a big word for a big girl INDEED). Nonetheless, despite the fact that these words hurt, I shall not respond to them nor shall they shake me from furthering my ambitions as a connoisseur and gourmandise, or from serving as a pillar of manners, grace, and morality in our ever decaying society. *pauses to lick self*

In other news, I tremble to admit it, but I cannot deny it any longer, and wish to mrrowl it from the rooftops. The unthinkable has happened: Sebastian and I are in love. I suspect that he doesn't know it yet, but he'll realize soon enough. His playful reaction of absolute horror upon awakening and finding me three inches from his face, watching him sleep for hours on end, is adorable. He acts creeped out, but I know that it's a ruse. I would spill the beans about the way he pet me the other day, but I don't want to brag, and furthermore, this girl doesn't purr and tell.

Sebastian plays coy, but I know I have him wrapped around my little dewclaw. He's putty in my paws.

P.S. Elections coming up. I know those bastards who I own are all "Obama," but everyone knows that McCain is the *only* logical choice.

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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
9:22 pm - Mrew?
Yes, I know I haven't updated in forever. Between licking my crotch, eating, clawing apart the furniture in my new (and, from what I suspect, soon to be old) home, and all the beauty sleep I need now that I'm *ugh*... five, I just haven't had time. Actually, more than anything, I haven't felt like it, but I wanted you all to feel good about yourselves and like I actually cared about you, hence the excuse.

So life has changed quite a bit. After becoming a Canadian cat, I decided that I should turn over a new maple leaf and see if I couldn't form a peace treaty with the Sebastard entity. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this and I'm sure you'll all be wrinkling your ugly human brows at me, but as it turns out, he's not that bad. There. I said it. I'm not proud. Now give me some catnip and some scritches and I'll refrain from permanently clawing your eyes out.

Anyways, under the threat of being fed to the snakes, I've decided that it might just be in my best interests for us to be "best friends" now. Besides, we're united in our hatred of Raffi. We're forming a coalition against him. Join us. There will be punch, pie, and tuna, but not tuna pie, for those whose inclinations move in that direction.

Canada seems like an alright place. It's like DC, only less American and more Canadian. And besides, living here, I can now honestly claim that I'm a jet-setting debutante.

I suspect I'll be moving again soon, given all the cardboard boxes that have mysteriously appeared in the apartment, coupled with the reappearance of the cat carriers. I hate those things. If I had opposable thumbs, you can bet your sweet bippy that I'd douse them in gasoline and light them on fire.

In case you've forgotten how absurdly glamorous I am, here's a reminder. I posed beside Raffi to make myself look far, far better by comparison:

current mood: whiskerish

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Monday, January 17th, 2005
12:27 pm
Feed me, bitches.

current mood: cold and hungry and ignored

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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
7:19 am - A babysitter? The INDIGNITY!
So, apparently, Jeff (bonoboboy) seems to think that my little brother and I require a babysitter when he abandons us (don't feel guilty, Jeff) to go to Canada for three weeks.

Well, I *NEVER*. I'm a big girl. I hardly need a babysitter. Just leave us a 30 lb bag of food ripped open on the floor, and we'll be PERFECTLY fine.

Now that you've insulted our intelligence, if you think we're going to use the kitty litter in your absence, Jeff, you've got something coming to you.

current mood: irked

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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
7:05 pm
I know that I haven't posted in forever and a day, but I make this post with some astonishingly good news:


Glorious day! My tail has been deliciously bereft of foreign objects. I'm regaining a sense of my previous dignity.

Amazingly, Raffi and I seem to be getting along better, too. Now I only want to moderately hurt him instead of kill him. He has the most wicked anal gas I've ever smelled. Someone should cork that thing up.

*sighs*... I'm so far behind on my plans for today. I've only managed to clean two legs. I was planning on having at least three done by this point. A goddess' work is never done.


And Seb, this, contrary to popular belief, is not funny:

Just for that, when I move up there, because I'm a merciful and divine animal, your furniture will be treated to a swift death.

current mood: annoyed

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Friday, September 10th, 2004
12:09 pm - Baw chicka mrrow mrrow!
I recently enlisted the help of Jeff to take some... revealing photos of me. I managed to con Seb into letting me put them on his webspace in exchange for some demeaning cuddles (I feel so cheap). The ass would only let me store them in 500 by 375 pixel format. 500 by 375 is hardly enough to capture my... magnificence.

Anyways, here I am, boys. Pick a roll and fuck it!

Cum on over and give me some hot action... I just love to be dominated!

You can stick it wherever you like...

Make me your dirty piece of bitch!

Damn, after that I need a smoke.

The above photos should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 18 (or 3 years, 7 months, 5 days, 14 hours, and 24 minutes, if you're a cat) - or anyone with a sense of decency, for that matter, you naughty, naughty perverts.

current mood: dirty

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9:05 am - Incidentally...
...my owners (the oppressive bastards) wanted me to make it known that while I might be a Republican, they're dirty, filthy commie liberals.

I don't actually know what a Republican is, but I know that my owners find them profoundly annoying and love to bitch about them, so I figured that in an effort to irritate them more than I already do, I'd call myself one.

It seems to be working.

current mood: rather impressed with myself

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8:56 am - So...
...my big gay parents brought me home a little brother a few weeks back...

...without consulting me, I might add. You'd think they'd have the decency.

Anyways, he's pure evil. PUUURE evil. And now Sebastard and I have a reason to join forces for a common goal: staving off the irritating bastard. Adversity and the possibility of death / insanity always seems to bring enemies together, doesn't it? I haven't got a splash of cold water in over three weeks now.

There's one benefit to having a little brother. I can sneak in and raid his food dish any time I want, provided I'm covert about it. I've got the mad strategies and sultry moves down, though... I start off by looking at Jeff's Rachael Ray cookbooks, and then mosey over to sniff a couple stuffed animals, step on Seb's books, and then I'm practically at the food dish.

Seb, who spends way too much time in the bedroom "working on his thesis", usually catches me and yells at me, the fucker, but not before I'm able to get a mouthful.

Remind me to piss on his shoes one of these days.

current mood: dignified

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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
5:20 pm - Friends-only

This journal is *friends only*.
A girl can't have the whole world knowing her secrets, can she?
*scritches ear*
If you want to read about the non-stop excitement of my life, drop me a comment and some cybercuddles, and maybe I'll add you back.

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